The website of "Bel of the Balls," the world's first ever novel set in the magical, sensual, swordual world of Belegarth.

For all medieval fighting combatants, fantasy role players, orcs, goblins, bugbears, and coxswains.

Welcome. Wesaþ ge hale.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

SNEAK PREVIEW for Comic-Con attendees

For those of you who met us at Comic-Con yesterday, while we were passing out flyers for the stunningly successful piece of literature, "Pirates of the Danube"...

We would like to tickle your eyes and your fancies with a sneak preview from the book.

NOTE: This is only available to those who met us at Comic-Con yesterday! In order to access the sneak preview, please wave your Comic-Con badge over the screen of your computer three times, and you will be able to read the text below, from the opening chapter of Pirates of the Danube.

In order to find out more, please click the image below to see the book on 


Pepper MacOralby was surrounded by wood.

The wood encased her, tomblike, holding her prisoner. The mouldy beams and rafters of the pirate ship’s hull ensconced her on all sides, creaking menacingly with each passing wave. The ship’s frame seemed to groan and moan along with Pepper, protesting her captivity.

Pepper crawled across the bags of rice and nutmeg, repositioning herself beside a barrel of sardines. She leaned against the firm, moist barrel, staring upwards at a nest of sea mice. Pepper had been living in this leaky, waterlogged prison for three months. She pulled the tattered remains of her blouse tightly around her neck, shivering from the saltwater that soaked her bodice. She closed her eyes, and thought of home.

Pepper’s mind drifted back to a childhood of comfort and trite luxury: Afternoon tea. Backgammon matches on the green. Knickers and corsets. Harpsichord lessons with Mistress Bofforfington.

And now, her home was the mildew-covered, rat-infested hull of a pirate ship. Ever since Captain Barnaby Porktrain had taken her captive, Pepper MacOralby had survived on a steady diet of hardtack, barnacles and stewed plankton. To be sure, her white flower of virginity remained untouched, her innocence unbroken, despite the cruel intentions of the pirate captain and his merry crew of rapists. However, Pepper felt the clock ticking. She could sense that her hymen’s days were numbered.

Pepper’s reverie was broken by the sound of enormous boots thumping down the wooden staircase.

The pirate captain had returned.

Captain Barnaby Porktrain was descending into the hull of the ship, coming to torment Pepper as he had every night since taking her captive. He had sailed the seven seas, looting coastal towns across the globe, and had earned the profound respect of his crew. Despite the pirate’s prolific skills at sailing, looting, pillaging, and raping, however, Pepper MacOralby was his final frontier. He had yet to gain access to her inner sanctum, her white flower.

The Captain stood at the bottom of the stairwell, glaring down at Pepper through his one good eye. “I’ve had it up to here with ye resisting me advances,” Porktrain growled at her through the thick, guttural consonants of his Cornish accent. The pirate’s manhood awoke from its slumber, pressing against the thin fabric of his pantaloons, engorged within a hideous latticework of veins and lust.

The pirate captain laughed most unsexily.

“I’ll give ye one last chance to say ‘yes’, me dear,” the pirate captain said, staring at Pepper throbbingly. His eyes bored into her, invading her every crevice. Captain Porktrain glared at Pepper’s wet skirt, staring downward at the shadow of her untouched sex.

The pirate captain advanced on Pepper, walking forward into the darkness. He growled like a libidinal engine, bubbling over with corrosive fluids. His hands were outstretched. In the whites of his scurvy-ridden eyes, a spark glowed which suggested that he might actually attempt to take Pepper by force this time, to snatch her white flower of purity. Barnaby Porktrain smiled thrustingly at his prisoner.

Suddenly and without warning, the ship lurched backwards, flinging the Captain onto his back. “Arrrr!” He shouted up the stairwell. “What in the name of Neptune’s codpiece?”

“Cap’n,” the First Mate responded. “We’ve run aground off the coast of Vienna!”

“Curses, me navigations have been askew!” shouted Porktrain, rising to his feet and dusting off his pantaloons. “We’re shipwrecked for good. Willickers!”

The Captain walked up the stairs onto the deck of the ship. Pepper huddled in the darkest corner of the hull. Over the sound of boots stomping about on the deck and cannons firing in the distance, she could hear the Captain arguing with his crew.

“First Mate Eeltrot, why have ye not calibrated me compass? Our ship’s stranded, ye dog!”

“Beggin’ yer pardon, Cap’n. I was swabbin’ the deck, sir. Shall I calibrate it now?”

“Calibrate yer own confounded compass!” the Captain spat. “The devil take us all, we’ve been captured! Shiver me timbers and fucking shit!”

And then the conversation was drowned out by the roar of fighting aboard the deck of the ship: swords clashed together, men shouted and cursed in smatterings of different languages, cannons boomed, and Captain Barnaby Porktrain’s prized pet octopus squealed with terror from within its cage.

Above deck, Pepper could hear the Imperial Guard shackling Barnaby Porktrain, arresting him under royal decree. “Dyarrr!” shouted the pirate’s raspy voice. “And I’ll never fulfil me lifetime dream of copulating with a mermaid!”

Amidst the din of violence, Pepper heard footsteps on the stairs once again, the sound of boots thundering downward into the hull of the ship. As the footsteps descended the staircase, Pepper braced herself, preparing to be attacked by one of Porktrain’s rapacious shipmates. However, the boots that appeared on the stairs were far too shiny to belong to any of these salty pirates. A burly, square frame appeared in the entrance, descending into the darkness of Pepper MacOralby’s seafaring prison. Whoever could it be? She asked herself. One of the Imperial Guards of Vienna storming the ship? A mercenary, perchance?

Amidst the muffled sounds of battle above deck, Pepper heard a match strike against a leather boot in the darkness. The bright light momentarily blinded her—a second later, the flame died down, illuminating two piercing black eyes…a square-jawed, clean-shaven face, framed by flowing black hair…the shoulder epaulets worn by the Viennese nobility…

The man stretched out a robust hand, penetrating the darkness. Pepper took it, and was lifted to her feet.

The man smiled in the dim light of the match.

“Who are you?” Pepper asked apprehensively.

“I am mystery. I am sensuality. I am nobility. And I am your saviour, Madame.”

“But…what is your name?”

“Baron Von Hugenstein, at your service, my dear.”

* * * *

To read more, get the book on Amazon for your e-reader or in print form! Find it here. 

Comic-Con promotion a rousing success!

Hundreds of these delectable flyers were passed out during Comic-Con yesterday, with a condom lovingly stapled to each one.

To the shouts of "sensual pirates! Erotic fiction!", to the sounds of the "oohs" and "aahs" of the crowd, Baron Von Hugenstein and his merry band of pirate whores passed out many a flyer to the attendees of Comic-Con.

Keep checking in, dear reader: videos will soon be uploaded, showing our interactions with the crowd, with each other, and with the Bible-thumping Fundamentalists who were standing nearby us.

Special Feature: We will soon upload the video of Baron Von Hugenstein reading from the Song of Solomon, alongside the Fundamentalist with her "you're going to Hell" sign.

Stay posted, dear reader.

*DISCLAIMER: Of course, we warned the crowd not to use the condom. Although one would hope it would be self-explanatory that a condom with a staple through it is not meant to be used. 

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Book review of "Pirates of the Danube"!

This friendly young bloggeresse was kind enough to write a book review of "Pirates of the Danube". Let us give her a rousing round of applause.

Original book review at this link:

Monday, April 29, 2013

Author interview with Brook Syers

My author interview with Brook Syers has gone live on his blog now.

I discuss both my "romance" books: Pirates of the Danube and The Baron Rides Again. 

Click here to go to the blog with the full interview:

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Already banned in the Middle East

It's official--"Pirates of the Danube" has now joined the list of proud books which are banned in the Middle East.

Take a look at the green message section on the right side of the screen.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Sneak Preview: Images from "Pirates of the Danube"

For your viewing pleasure...

Some of the lovely illustrations from "Pirates of the Danube" for your Kindle this weekend!

To find the book on the Kindle store, click here.

Madame Abigail Blavatsky, purveyor and courtesanne of the town's finest whorehouse. 

The bear rug of lovemaking. 

Mr. Darcy embraces two of his most esteemed whores. 

The final image...from Chapter 69. 

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Free book giveaway this Passover / Palm Sunday weekend!

You read correctly, friend--that hot erotica novel, that capsule of condensed sexuality and nakedity known by the title "Pirates of the Danube", will be available for FREE for your e-reader for two days.

On Passover / Palm Sunday weekend, March 23 and 24, you can download the e-book version of this book FOR FREE on Kindle.

Just go to the Kindle store and download the book, free of cost, any time this weekend:

You will be on the edge of your well-soiled seat, dear reader, as you enjoy the sensual adventures of Pepper MacOralby, Baron Von Hugenstein, and the young doctor Sigmund Freud.

Here's what folks are already saying about "Pirates of the Danube":

“This man is illiterate.”
-Gary Shteyngart, legitimate East Coast author

“Thank you for contacting the White House. We apologize for not being able to respond to every letter with a personalized response.”
-Barack Obama, 44th President of the United States

“Schmidt has breathed new life into the classic ‘slutty American novel’…”
-Anna Marie Cortez, former Kinko’s employee

“David Schmidt writes books by women, for women.”
-Alejandra Cordova, woman

“You’ll read this book, if you know what’s good for you.”
Biff Chode, local thug

Please, don't miss this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. If you don't download this book on Passover / Palm Sunday weekend, you'll wish you had been born with a millstone tied around your neck and been thrown into the ocean.

Note to our international friends: This book giveaway will be going on for the entirety of Saturday and Sunday, March 23 and 24, no matter which part of the planet you are on. If it's Saturday or Sunday somewhere on God's green earth, the book will be free on Kindle

Friday, March 15, 2013

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Book Giveaway...coming prematurely soon!


Hey, gang, gather 'round and take a listen to this here cherry of a bit o' news!

Just nine (9) days from today, the hit romance parody "Pirates of the Danube" will be available for free on Kindle.

The big book giveaway will take place on Passover / Palm Sunday weekend, March 23 and 24. On these two days, you'll be able to download this steaming pile of literature for free from Kindle.

Enjoy delectable little titbits of erotic literature such as these:

* * * *

The table was set with a glamorous Viennese breakfast of blood pudding and spotted dick. The Baron had doubtless warned the servants that he and Pepper would need a hearty breakfast, as they were ravenous with the hunger of the recently laid.  

* * * *

“Your candles, Baron,” Pepper began, haltingly. “They’ve caught the drapes ablaze…” The Baron shook his head, staring only at Pepper’s heaving décolletage.

“The servants shall…” he muttered without finishing his sentence. The Baron appeared to have been rendered absolutely incapable of speech, his tongue silenced by the intense arousal, as if he were some sort of libidinal Avox.

* * * *

A dapper young man staggered out, reeking of cheap rum. His hair was dishevelled and his shirt tail untucked; and yet, he bore the unmistakeable mien of a man with wealth. The man’s arms were draped around two of Madame Abigail’s most whorish whores. 

The twin shutters of the uppermost window of the brothel swung open with a bang. “Mister Darcy, as I live and breathe!” shouted the buxom Madame. “The greatest benefactor my brothel has ever known!”

* * * *

“A preternatural evil is being awakened in Vienna,” Sigmund told Pepper. “Terrible pagan rites are taking place in secretive catacombs beneath the earth. Covens of cloaked figures are engaging in horrific rituals, coaxing an ancient beast awake from eons of slumber.”

“I should very much like to see your cock,” Pepper said.

* * * *

As the couple entered Doctor Freud’s room, Pepper pulled a long match from betwixt her cleavage and lit the candles on the nightstand. “Why ever do you light all these candles, Miss MacOralby?” Sigmund asked. “Why all this light?”

“The better to bang you by, my dear.”

* * * *

Tell your friends, tell your neighbors, tell your rabbi, priest and pastor--there's no better way to celebrate these high holy days than by downloading Pirates of the Danube

Friday, March 8, 2013

International Women's Day greetings from the Baron

Joyous proletarian women of the Soviet is happiness!
Today is March 8, International Women's Day.

History has offered us no greater example of a strong, independent woman than that of Pepper MacOralby--a woman of smouldering sensuality, bold initiative, and throbbing independence.

On this joyous occasion, we offer you an excerpt from Pepper's adventures. May she serve as a bold example to us all.

* * * *

Taken from "Pirates of the Danube", p. 34 - 35.

Pepper walked past the brothel. Almost without thinking, she drifted towards Spunker’s Tavern, drawn in by some inexplicable magnetism. A spark inside Pepper flickered into a flame—a preternatural drive was raging in her loins. She walked in a delirious daze, as if she were suffering from rickets, or venesection, or the dropsy fever, or any of the other diseases which were very popular during that period in history.

Pepper stepped into the tavern and set her eyes decisively on the young doctor Sigmund Freud.

“Why, Miss MacOralby! What a pleasant surprise! I’ve a queer topic to bring to your attention, Fräulein. You must sit down. This is an intellectual curiosity which you mustn’t let pass you by.”

Pepper flung one leg, then the other, over the bench and sat down with brisk gravity, allowing her décolletage to bounce slightly against the wood of the table. The young doctor’s face flushed; his puppy-dog eyes stared downward towards his pewter mug of mead.

“I really must warn you, Miss MacOralby. I fear the worst for our fair city. The peasantry...rumour has it that the indentured servants have been conjuring up an ancient evil...”

Pepper leaned in closer, allowing her cleavage to decadently spill from her bodice onto the chequered tablecloth.

“There are dark deeds afoot in Vienna,” Freud continued, visibly growing more nervous.

Pepper pursed her lips, staring into Doctor Freud’s brown eyes with collagen-grade intensity.

“I tell you, ancient rites are being practiced to awaken it, Miss MacOralby...”

And then Pepper stood from her seat and leaned across the table, knocking over the doctor’s mead with her bosoms. She stooped towards Sigmund’s pale, thin face, grasped the nape of his neck with her hand, and pulled him towards her. And she kissed him. Her mouth overcame him, dominating his tongue, his warmth. Pepper willed his lips to life like an ancient Viennese paramedic.

Pepper could feel her white flower transforming inside her, metamorphosing into a grand Venus flytrap, pulling Sigmund in, consuming his innocence. She had been hunted by the Baron. Now she was becoming the huntress. 

To read more, purchase "Pirates of the Danube" on or in the Kindle Store, or in any bookstore near you which has the poor taste to carry this book. 

С 8 Марта всем женщинам! Поздравляем вас всех!

Saturday, March 2, 2013

A most sensual welcome

I, Baron Von Hugenstein, being of sound mind and member,

Do hereby inaugurate this noble Blogge for the promotion, distribution and copulation of my erotic adventures.

May the gods bless you with amusement, enlightenment and turgidity.

-The Baron