The website of "Bel of the Balls," the world's first ever novel set in the magical, sensual, swordual world of Belegarth.

For all medieval fighting combatants, fantasy role players, orcs, goblins, bugbears, and coxswains.

Welcome. Wesaþ ge hale.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Sneak Preview: Images from "Pirates of the Danube"

For your viewing pleasure...

Some of the lovely illustrations from "Pirates of the Danube" for your Kindle this weekend!

To find the book on the Kindle store, click here.

Madame Abigail Blavatsky, purveyor and courtesanne of the town's finest whorehouse. 

The bear rug of lovemaking. 

Mr. Darcy embraces two of his most esteemed whores. 

The final image...from Chapter 69. 

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Free book giveaway this Passover / Palm Sunday weekend!

You read correctly, friend--that hot erotica novel, that capsule of condensed sexuality and nakedity known by the title "Pirates of the Danube", will be available for FREE for your e-reader for two days.

On Passover / Palm Sunday weekend, March 23 and 24, you can download the e-book version of this book FOR FREE on Kindle.

Just go to the Kindle store and download the book, free of cost, any time this weekend:

You will be on the edge of your well-soiled seat, dear reader, as you enjoy the sensual adventures of Pepper MacOralby, Baron Von Hugenstein, and the young doctor Sigmund Freud.

Here's what folks are already saying about "Pirates of the Danube":

“This man is illiterate.”
-Gary Shteyngart, legitimate East Coast author

“Thank you for contacting the White House. We apologize for not being able to respond to every letter with a personalized response.”
-Barack Obama, 44th President of the United States

“Schmidt has breathed new life into the classic ‘slutty American novel’…”
-Anna Marie Cortez, former Kinko’s employee

“David Schmidt writes books by women, for women.”
-Alejandra Cordova, woman

“You’ll read this book, if you know what’s good for you.”
Biff Chode, local thug

Please, don't miss this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. If you don't download this book on Passover / Palm Sunday weekend, you'll wish you had been born with a millstone tied around your neck and been thrown into the ocean.

Note to our international friends: This book giveaway will be going on for the entirety of Saturday and Sunday, March 23 and 24, no matter which part of the planet you are on. If it's Saturday or Sunday somewhere on God's green earth, the book will be free on Kindle

Friday, March 15, 2013

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Book Giveaway...coming prematurely soon!


Hey, gang, gather 'round and take a listen to this here cherry of a bit o' news!

Just nine (9) days from today, the hit romance parody "Pirates of the Danube" will be available for free on Kindle.

The big book giveaway will take place on Passover / Palm Sunday weekend, March 23 and 24. On these two days, you'll be able to download this steaming pile of literature for free from Kindle.

Enjoy delectable little titbits of erotic literature such as these:

* * * *

The table was set with a glamorous Viennese breakfast of blood pudding and spotted dick. The Baron had doubtless warned the servants that he and Pepper would need a hearty breakfast, as they were ravenous with the hunger of the recently laid.  

* * * *

“Your candles, Baron,” Pepper began, haltingly. “They’ve caught the drapes ablaze…” The Baron shook his head, staring only at Pepper’s heaving décolletage.

“The servants shall…” he muttered without finishing his sentence. The Baron appeared to have been rendered absolutely incapable of speech, his tongue silenced by the intense arousal, as if he were some sort of libidinal Avox.

* * * *

A dapper young man staggered out, reeking of cheap rum. His hair was dishevelled and his shirt tail untucked; and yet, he bore the unmistakeable mien of a man with wealth. The man’s arms were draped around two of Madame Abigail’s most whorish whores. 

The twin shutters of the uppermost window of the brothel swung open with a bang. “Mister Darcy, as I live and breathe!” shouted the buxom Madame. “The greatest benefactor my brothel has ever known!”

* * * *

“A preternatural evil is being awakened in Vienna,” Sigmund told Pepper. “Terrible pagan rites are taking place in secretive catacombs beneath the earth. Covens of cloaked figures are engaging in horrific rituals, coaxing an ancient beast awake from eons of slumber.”

“I should very much like to see your cock,” Pepper said.

* * * *

As the couple entered Doctor Freud’s room, Pepper pulled a long match from betwixt her cleavage and lit the candles on the nightstand. “Why ever do you light all these candles, Miss MacOralby?” Sigmund asked. “Why all this light?”

“The better to bang you by, my dear.”

* * * *

Tell your friends, tell your neighbors, tell your rabbi, priest and pastor--there's no better way to celebrate these high holy days than by downloading Pirates of the Danube

Friday, March 8, 2013

International Women's Day greetings from the Baron

Joyous proletarian women of the Soviet is happiness!
Today is March 8, International Women's Day.

History has offered us no greater example of a strong, independent woman than that of Pepper MacOralby--a woman of smouldering sensuality, bold initiative, and throbbing independence.

On this joyous occasion, we offer you an excerpt from Pepper's adventures. May she serve as a bold example to us all.

* * * *

Taken from "Pirates of the Danube", p. 34 - 35.

Pepper walked past the brothel. Almost without thinking, she drifted towards Spunker’s Tavern, drawn in by some inexplicable magnetism. A spark inside Pepper flickered into a flame—a preternatural drive was raging in her loins. She walked in a delirious daze, as if she were suffering from rickets, or venesection, or the dropsy fever, or any of the other diseases which were very popular during that period in history.

Pepper stepped into the tavern and set her eyes decisively on the young doctor Sigmund Freud.

“Why, Miss MacOralby! What a pleasant surprise! I’ve a queer topic to bring to your attention, Fräulein. You must sit down. This is an intellectual curiosity which you mustn’t let pass you by.”

Pepper flung one leg, then the other, over the bench and sat down with brisk gravity, allowing her décolletage to bounce slightly against the wood of the table. The young doctor’s face flushed; his puppy-dog eyes stared downward towards his pewter mug of mead.

“I really must warn you, Miss MacOralby. I fear the worst for our fair city. The peasantry...rumour has it that the indentured servants have been conjuring up an ancient evil...”

Pepper leaned in closer, allowing her cleavage to decadently spill from her bodice onto the chequered tablecloth.

“There are dark deeds afoot in Vienna,” Freud continued, visibly growing more nervous.

Pepper pursed her lips, staring into Doctor Freud’s brown eyes with collagen-grade intensity.

“I tell you, ancient rites are being practiced to awaken it, Miss MacOralby...”

And then Pepper stood from her seat and leaned across the table, knocking over the doctor’s mead with her bosoms. She stooped towards Sigmund’s pale, thin face, grasped the nape of his neck with her hand, and pulled him towards her. And she kissed him. Her mouth overcame him, dominating his tongue, his warmth. Pepper willed his lips to life like an ancient Viennese paramedic.

Pepper could feel her white flower transforming inside her, metamorphosing into a grand Venus flytrap, pulling Sigmund in, consuming his innocence. She had been hunted by the Baron. Now she was becoming the huntress. 

To read more, purchase "Pirates of the Danube" on or in the Kindle Store, or in any bookstore near you which has the poor taste to carry this book. 

С 8 Марта всем женщинам! Поздравляем вас всех!

Saturday, March 2, 2013

A most sensual welcome

I, Baron Von Hugenstein, being of sound mind and member,

Do hereby inaugurate this noble Blogge for the promotion, distribution and copulation of my erotic adventures.

May the gods bless you with amusement, enlightenment and turgidity.

-The Baron