The website of "Bel of the Balls," the world's first ever novel set in the magical, sensual, swordual world of Belegarth.

For all medieval fighting combatants, fantasy role players, orcs, goblins, bugbears, and coxswains.

Welcome. Wesaþ ge hale.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Man singing "Epic of Gilgamesh" in ancient Sumerian

And here, I thought I was a badass for singing Beowulf in Anglo-Saxon.

This man has out-nerded me by several centuries:

I felt pretty proud of myself for singing the opening stanzas of Beowulf in the Anglo-Saxon (Old English) language by the fireside, during Belegarth's medieval fighting event, "Battle for the Ring."

But that was before I discovered this guy.

First off, he recites the Epic of Gilgamesh in its original language--a tongue that nobody on earth has spoken for 4,000 years. (By contrast, Anglo-Saxon was spoken until just 900 years ago.) As if that weren't badass enough, though, he performs it on the "gishgudi," an actual ancient Sumerian instrument.

David, you've been officially out-nerded.

Saturday, January 16, 2016


The ebook of "Bel of the Balls" is now available for download!

Read it on any device with the Kindle app. Check it out today, fayre squires and maidens!

Click the image above or copy this link: 

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

The cover of "Bel of the Balls" is here!

It was a difficult choice to make. 

So many of you sent in your lovely photos from Bel, and it was tough to pick. There were spectacular photos of combat action shots, monsters eating sandwiches, homoerotic battle stances, and one picture of a guy crying with a middle finger in front of his face.

After careful consideration, however, I have chosen the cover image for the book. 

Many thanks to Ian for the cover design. He shall get credit in the text of the book, and free quesadillas for life whenever I see him. 

Saturday, January 9, 2016

"Bel of the Balls"...coming soon!

After a long wait, the world's first ever Belegarth romance-satire-erotica-medieval fighting novel is coming!

Stay tuned for more info, and see below for a description of the book...

“It was long, and it was hard.”

Thus begins this satirical tale of medieval battles, monsters, and coming of age.

Chronicles Von Hugenstein is a virginal young man from a sheltered, fundamentalist boarding school. Everything changes when he falls through a vortex and lands in the mythical kingdom of Belegarth. He discovers a land of brave warriors and epic battles; of trolls, orcs, and goblins; of masonry, chivalry, and bonery. In this world of swordplay and sensual pleasures, young Chronicles learns to be a warrior. He learns to be a man. And he just might find a place where he finally belongs.

This humorous novel pays homage to the world of medieval fighting, historical reenactment, and live action role play.  The modern-day fighting communities of Belegarth, Dagorhir, Amtgard and others come to life in this tale.

Welcome to the land of enchantment, mystery, monsters, and exhausting innuendos. Welcome to Belegarth. 

Sunday, July 21, 2013

SNEAK PREVIEW for Comic-Con attendees

For those of you who met us at Comic-Con yesterday, while we were passing out flyers for the stunningly successful piece of literature, "Pirates of the Danube"...

We would like to tickle your eyes and your fancies with a sneak preview from the book.

NOTE: This is only available to those who met us at Comic-Con yesterday! In order to access the sneak preview, please wave your Comic-Con badge over the screen of your computer three times, and you will be able to read the text below, from the opening chapter of Pirates of the Danube.

In order to find out more, please click the image below to see the book on 


Pepper MacOralby was surrounded by wood.

The wood encased her, tomblike, holding her prisoner. The mouldy beams and rafters of the pirate ship’s hull ensconced her on all sides, creaking menacingly with each passing wave. The ship’s frame seemed to groan and moan along with Pepper, protesting her captivity.

Pepper crawled across the bags of rice and nutmeg, repositioning herself beside a barrel of sardines. She leaned against the firm, moist barrel, staring upwards at a nest of sea mice. Pepper had been living in this leaky, waterlogged prison for three months. She pulled the tattered remains of her blouse tightly around her neck, shivering from the saltwater that soaked her bodice. She closed her eyes, and thought of home.

Pepper’s mind drifted back to a childhood of comfort and trite luxury: Afternoon tea. Backgammon matches on the green. Knickers and corsets. Harpsichord lessons with Mistress Bofforfington.

And now, her home was the mildew-covered, rat-infested hull of a pirate ship. Ever since Captain Barnaby Porktrain had taken her captive, Pepper MacOralby had survived on a steady diet of hardtack, barnacles and stewed plankton. To be sure, her white flower of virginity remained untouched, her innocence unbroken, despite the cruel intentions of the pirate captain and his merry crew of rapists. However, Pepper felt the clock ticking. She could sense that her hymen’s days were numbered.

Pepper’s reverie was broken by the sound of enormous boots thumping down the wooden staircase.

The pirate captain had returned.

Captain Barnaby Porktrain was descending into the hull of the ship, coming to torment Pepper as he had every night since taking her captive. He had sailed the seven seas, looting coastal towns across the globe, and had earned the profound respect of his crew. Despite the pirate’s prolific skills at sailing, looting, pillaging, and raping, however, Pepper MacOralby was his final frontier. He had yet to gain access to her inner sanctum, her white flower.

The Captain stood at the bottom of the stairwell, glaring down at Pepper through his one good eye. “I’ve had it up to here with ye resisting me advances,” Porktrain growled at her through the thick, guttural consonants of his Cornish accent. The pirate’s manhood awoke from its slumber, pressing against the thin fabric of his pantaloons, engorged within a hideous latticework of veins and lust.

The pirate captain laughed most unsexily.

“I’ll give ye one last chance to say ‘yes’, me dear,” the pirate captain said, staring at Pepper throbbingly. His eyes bored into her, invading her every crevice. Captain Porktrain glared at Pepper’s wet skirt, staring downward at the shadow of her untouched sex.

The pirate captain advanced on Pepper, walking forward into the darkness. He growled like a libidinal engine, bubbling over with corrosive fluids. His hands were outstretched. In the whites of his scurvy-ridden eyes, a spark glowed which suggested that he might actually attempt to take Pepper by force this time, to snatch her white flower of purity. Barnaby Porktrain smiled thrustingly at his prisoner.

Suddenly and without warning, the ship lurched backwards, flinging the Captain onto his back. “Arrrr!” He shouted up the stairwell. “What in the name of Neptune’s codpiece?”

“Cap’n,” the First Mate responded. “We’ve run aground off the coast of Vienna!”

“Curses, me navigations have been askew!” shouted Porktrain, rising to his feet and dusting off his pantaloons. “We’re shipwrecked for good. Willickers!”

The Captain walked up the stairs onto the deck of the ship. Pepper huddled in the darkest corner of the hull. Over the sound of boots stomping about on the deck and cannons firing in the distance, she could hear the Captain arguing with his crew.

“First Mate Eeltrot, why have ye not calibrated me compass? Our ship’s stranded, ye dog!”

“Beggin’ yer pardon, Cap’n. I was swabbin’ the deck, sir. Shall I calibrate it now?”

“Calibrate yer own confounded compass!” the Captain spat. “The devil take us all, we’ve been captured! Shiver me timbers and fucking shit!”

And then the conversation was drowned out by the roar of fighting aboard the deck of the ship: swords clashed together, men shouted and cursed in smatterings of different languages, cannons boomed, and Captain Barnaby Porktrain’s prized pet octopus squealed with terror from within its cage.

Above deck, Pepper could hear the Imperial Guard shackling Barnaby Porktrain, arresting him under royal decree. “Dyarrr!” shouted the pirate’s raspy voice. “And I’ll never fulfil me lifetime dream of copulating with a mermaid!”

Amidst the din of violence, Pepper heard footsteps on the stairs once again, the sound of boots thundering downward into the hull of the ship. As the footsteps descended the staircase, Pepper braced herself, preparing to be attacked by one of Porktrain’s rapacious shipmates. However, the boots that appeared on the stairs were far too shiny to belong to any of these salty pirates. A burly, square frame appeared in the entrance, descending into the darkness of Pepper MacOralby’s seafaring prison. Whoever could it be? She asked herself. One of the Imperial Guards of Vienna storming the ship? A mercenary, perchance?

Amidst the muffled sounds of battle above deck, Pepper heard a match strike against a leather boot in the darkness. The bright light momentarily blinded her—a second later, the flame died down, illuminating two piercing black eyes…a square-jawed, clean-shaven face, framed by flowing black hair…the shoulder epaulets worn by the Viennese nobility…

The man stretched out a robust hand, penetrating the darkness. Pepper took it, and was lifted to her feet.

The man smiled in the dim light of the match.

“Who are you?” Pepper asked apprehensively.

“I am mystery. I am sensuality. I am nobility. And I am your saviour, Madame.”

“But…what is your name?”

“Baron Von Hugenstein, at your service, my dear.”

* * * *

To read more, get the book on Amazon for your e-reader or in print form! Find it here. 

Comic-Con promotion a rousing success!

Hundreds of these delectable flyers were passed out during Comic-Con yesterday, with a condom lovingly stapled to each one.

To the shouts of "sensual pirates! Erotic fiction!", to the sounds of the "oohs" and "aahs" of the crowd, Baron Von Hugenstein and his merry band of pirate whores passed out many a flyer to the attendees of Comic-Con.

Keep checking in, dear reader: videos will soon be uploaded, showing our interactions with the crowd, with each other, and with the Bible-thumping Fundamentalists who were standing nearby us.

Special Feature: We will soon upload the video of Baron Von Hugenstein reading from the Song of Solomon, alongside the Fundamentalist with her "you're going to Hell" sign.

Stay posted, dear reader.

*DISCLAIMER: Of course, we warned the crowd not to use the condom. Although one would hope it would be self-explanatory that a condom with a staple through it is not meant to be used. 

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Book review of "Pirates of the Danube"!

This friendly young bloggeresse was kind enough to write a book review of "Pirates of the Danube". Let us give her a rousing round of applause.

Original book review at this link: